Falling in the Black
by Pixieblade
Summary: Immediately after the Kami-sama incident. Hakkai and Gojyo need to have a little chat.


**Falling in the Black**

Saiyuki

HakkaixGojyo

AN: Immediately after the Kami-sama arc, like they just dropped everyone off into their own rooms, immediately and yes, I'm fudging a bit by them getting two rooms.

He thought Kanan's death and the subsequent night in the rain had been the lowest point in his life, that nothing would compare to the pain and heartache he'd felt watching her slit her own throat, blood hot and sticky as it pooled around the two of them…. He hadn't thought there could ever be another moment of such absolute despair in his life. He was wrong of course. Kanan's death was somehow inevitable—their taboo relationship had always held the feel of a farcical play to him, he'd wanted…but the Gods were fickle and petty in every religion it seemed.

Standing here now, his face a myriad of purple, green and yellow he stared unflinchingly at what he'd become. The demon…no, that was a pure consequence of his own actions, it was understandable and even welcomed to some extent, and at least the Gods had punished him even if the Buddhists couldn't. But what he saw now was base human selfishness-desire and hate and lust all twisted up in torn flesh and bruised ego. Sometimes he really envied the crazed demons for they no longer had to pretend, they took what they wanted no matter the consequences.

Maybe that was the root of his problems, he'd thought that night in the moonlight he'd illuminated some other side of himself, that there was a place in his heart for another's love and being. He glanced darkly at the sleeping figure haunting the black rimmed hotel mirror with a sneer on his lips and an ache in his heart. Grinding his teeth together, nails denting the cheap veneer of the nightstand he growled, a low, rumbling sound that was almost inaudible in the quiet of the night. He ripped his eyes away from the glass and stared at his hands, his mind morbidly overlaying their pristine whiteness with the other's blood and cringed, the shivers running the length of his spine coldly.

Beating him almost senseless hadn't made the murderous rage within him subside either; it hadn't even quieted the beast lurking within his breast. No, it just brought his true desires into sharp contrast…he'd never be able to break the taboo stain across his soul it appeared. The question now was what to do about it: give in or fight against the blackness creeping over him?

He turned without meaning to, stalked across the carpeted floor haltingly, toenails catching the threadbare tufts of rag rug in a desperate attempt to stop his headlong descent. This couldn't end well after all, not with all the darkness bubbling up within him.

When his knees hit the edge of the bed with a muted thump he thought it was over, he'd seen with his own eyes that the once perfect flesh rose and fell with each strangled breath the other took, but it wasn't. Leaning over he planted a heavy hand on either side of fiery hair, a crooked, half crazed grin splitting his face, his monocle left forgotten on the nightstand.

The dip of his weight pressing in upon the bed broke whatever fever dream the other had been having. Cracking a swollen eye (he'd _told_ him he wasn't fixing his problems any more) Gojyo peered up into a fuzzy vision of a very pissed off Hakkai. He'd never seen the man so angry before, not even as a demon in full rampage mode—of course Hakkai never showed anyone the angry side he kept locked up tightly behind flashing glass, thin pursed lips, and a brittle laugh, so this was rather unexpected, and if he could be completely honest…it scared the shit out of him.

"Do you…" Gojyo gulped at the obviously unraveling calm behind his friend's voice.

"Do you," he tried again, "have any idea what it felt like being left behind again?"

Gojyo's mouth was dry, his teeth felt fuzzy and his hair hung limp and matted in his own blood but he didn't care. All he could see were those stormy green eyes and the hard line of Hakkai's set jaw inches from his face.

"I can't…_won't_," he amended, fingers slipping around Gojyo's throat loosely, "Watch you walk away from me again. Do you understand me, Gojyo?"

Gojyo opened his mouth to speak, a rebuttal fast on his lips when Hakkai crushed them together unheedingly, the clash of teeth on teeth glaringly loud in the quiet room. Choking on a strangled moan Gojyo arched into the contact, his throat burning as Hakkai's nails dug in a little harder, denting the flesh whitely. He couldn't stop the whimper as green eyes shifted away from him suddenly.

"'Kai, I…"

Hakkai's eyes went dark and glassy, his fingers falling away to ghost lightly over the now marked bronze skin, flecks of dried blood crumbling under his finger pads.

"Gojyo, I can't take another person I love dying on me needlessly," he whispered into the corner of Gojyo's mouth, his lips moving in an almost silent roll across the shadowy stubble growing there.

"Lo..?!" he tried, his voice a broken croak that belied his shock at the sudden confession. He knew they'd created a rather fucked-up little co-dependence issue, but Hakkai had never even hinted that he'd fallen for him.

Cupping the red-head's cheek tenderly, Hakkai let the anger and fear ebb away leaving only the naked truth of his feelings shimmering in his eyes. He brushed his thumb over a split and swollen lip gingerly before replying.

"Love, Gojyo, and for longer than I care to say. I didn't think I could ever feel this way again, not after…but you…. You got in, too close maybe. Leaving like that, abandoning us, I…I just couldn't take it, not again." He choked out, eyes glistening in the darkness with unshed frustrations and worry.

Gojyo slipped his fingers into Hakkai's hair. The touch grounding him like nothing else could as he pulled his friend's head down until it rested against his neck and shoulder, the smoke stained tips brushing the rough fringe away from eyes screwed shut in a vain attempt to keep the tears at bay.

"Hakkai, don't. Don't cry for me, I'm not worth your tears man. Not yours." He whispered around the lump in his throat.

"You are more worthy than you give yourself credit for, Gojyo. So much more. I know I haven't the right to ask, but I can't let you die in vain like that. No one else is allowed to kill you, not even you." Hakkai trembled in his hold, the words faintly carried on hot puffs of salty breath to his ear, the motion shivering his hair around the cuff.

Gojyo clung to Hakkai's back, the shudders gripping his heart as Hakkai's words sunk into his still shocked mind. There was the underlying fear of rejection and change lurking beneath his words and yes, Gojyo knew the possessive hold Hakkai would hold him to would be hard to deal with as they tested each other's boundaries, but he knew that Hakkai would love him completely with the utmost care, passion, and perseverance he could. The only question was, could he handle it and did he want Hakkai in that way as well?

He groaned a bit as he pushed Hakkai up and off him before sitting up. Holding the man at arms length he forced the healer to look at him, "'Kai, 'Kai, look at me. I need to see your eyes."

"If I had told you where I was going, you'd have insisted on tagging along, wouldn't you?"

"Yes." He breathed.

"And if I said I was going there to die, would you have let me?"

Hakkai sucked in a harsh breath, his eyes going hard, black flint glittering in his pale face. "No," he answered explosively, "Not at somebody else's hands."

Leaning in against Gojyo's grip his words were a hiss of promise, "The only person allowed to kill you is me, Gojyo. Remember that."

The truth of the matter came crushing down on him as he fought to maintain some form of calm in the face of Hakkai's ire. "Then you'd off yourself, wouldn't you?! Don't lie to me you green-eyed bastard, I know you. Tell me, 'Kai, would you follow me into the black?!" he spit angrily, eyes flashing, hands drawing him in closer.

Hakkai shifted his weight slightly, the friction of their hips grinding together as he drew his knee farther up onto the bed making them both shudder for a moment. Leaning in he breathed out a ragged _yes_ across Gojyo's lips.

"Don't," he pleaded, "Please don't. Promise me Hakkai. Promise me you'll not kill yourself when I go."

"You won't…"

"Promise me." He begged, emotions running swiftly behind his troubled burgundy eyes—panic, fear, hurt.

"I…promise." He hissed into Gojyo's throat, his teeth and tongue bathing the skin as it caressed and meandered its breadth and length.

"I promise." He repeated, the words swallowed by Gojyo's mouth on his. The flesh hot and insistent as his fingers shivered over Hakkai's skin and Gojyo murmured consent became lost in incoherent pleasure.

Hakkai knew that this didn't solve anything. He knew that it was merely postponing the inevitable discussion on feelings and objectives and _rules_. Eventually they'd have to talk about this. But not now. Now was not the time for pretty words or tears. Fire and brimstone be damned. Right now he just wanted him. Fast and hard and slow and achingly tender. He wanted all of him and he planned on keeping what he had forced into being.

Maybe it was too early, maybe not, but as shaking, tanned fingers batted his away and took matters in hand, a raspy, needy voice breaking over him in ecstasy, his name in his ear, nails dragging down his back possessively marking him he knew that even if it was too soon—it was still right. _They_ were right. As fucked up as that was. _Oh hell,_ he thought shakily as Gojyo wrapped his mouth around the base of him once more, propriety be damned_._ He was rather fond of taboo things after all. They both were.

~Fin.


End file.
